Back to the beginning...
Do you remember when being a Christian was exciting?
When it was just overwhelming at times, the new feeling of it all.
If you aren't a Christian and you're reading this, perhaps I can explain....perhaps not, but I'll try. As near as I can explain it, becoming a Christian is like finally realising what has been missing in your life this whole time, that that hole in your life (the God-shaped hole as it has often been called) is finally full & taken care of. The world seems fresh to you, you see everything and everyone differently. Your perspective on what you do, read, watch, think and say changes. You feel....alive, as if you're taking the very first precious breath of air that you've ever taken. That it's the sunrise of the first day of your life, and that the world is stretched out before you, and everything is possible.
Now, during that early stage of my "new life", I became quite zealous in my belief. It meant so much to me, it felt real. It still does, but it was a different kind of real. I felt connected to my saviour & Lord. It was during this time that I was quite unaware of how I was ostracizing others. My fervour and passion for living the Christian life left me in a place where I shunned the world....and everyone in it, including the ones I loved.
But I digress, I'm heading down a different road that I don't want to go down. It was a great time, but the passion, though true and heart-felt, was perhaps misplaced. I was called to love the Lord my God, which I did, but also to love my neighbour as myself. That part I perhaps didn't make good on.
Part of why I'm writing this, is I'm wondering if there's a way to balance the two. Can I get back to that passion for God, now that I've become somewhat cynical about typical Christian behaviour. How we treat others speaks volumes about how our faith is. So if we show our love greatly to others, that should reflect how much we love our God right? But can I have those Abba Father moments when I used to sing praises and felt such closeness? When I didn't care about what others felt? How can I enjoy that closeness now? Where can I meet God now that I feel unfed in the church? It's hard, really hard. It wasn't always hard. The newfound love of being a new Christian is what I want, but I want the wisdom I now have to practice it. Am I too far gone to go back? It's like comparing childhood to adulthood. The wonder and trust in a child's eyes, with the wisdom and knowledge and practicallity of age.
Can I get there?
I hope so.
posted by Matt From Canada at 11:33 PM
4 Comments:
MFC,
If I am understanding your desire correctly, you have a deep unsatisfied need to draw close to our God and Lord but are finding this difficult due the psudo christianity our spiritual brother and sisters are insistant upon. Welcome to the club.
I don't know if I am the one to try to guide you since much of the time I feel blind myself. With that in mind, I would like to bring you to Luke 7 where Jesus asked Simon about the two debtors, the one who loved more is the one forgiven more.
I consider this the fount of love, to realize that we are forgiven, how much we have been forgiven and are still being forgiven, all on that dreadful day our savior Jesus gave us his all by dieing on the cross and beautiful day he overcame death by rising from the dead. In day to day living, we forget how much we have been loved. This is why as brothers and sisters as time continues from our repentence, we still need to be taught the Gospel. This is why it is difficult when a different gospel is presented, we lose our enthusiasm. We forget our one on One communial love for our God in our poor atempt to keep from being indebted to Him. Of coarse not to sin so Grace may abound, but when you and I do, take Grace with thanks giving.
I say this to myself, in the hope that it will help us both. For this is where I live and I don't know exactly where you are in this matter.
As to dealing with our spiritual siblings, love as you love yourself. Egad!!!! Maybe this will help, again dealing with my perspective. Find that part of you that you need to take to the throne in others and in seeing yourself, love them as you do love yourself, giving yourself patience (long suffering), grace, and understanding and offering it to others. Remember, we each eventually think that the one with the beam in the eye is our brother and he is the one Jesus was really referring to in his sermon on the mount, not ourselves. I think that if the truth be known we have enough pylons (in the eyes) to bridge both oceans and build the necessary service centres required to drive around this old world. Forgive them as you should forgive yourself, without expecting the same of them. That way should they forgive you, it comes as an unexpected gift.
I hope this helps and that I don't come off as selfrighteous, for I don't feel that at this time.
My dear brother, You are alone in your relationship with our Father just as I am and everyone else. It is between you and Him. Don't let your perceptions of others steal from you what is priceless. I say perceptions not because I do not believe there are issue's but what we see is a small picture in a large life often can look much different then it is.
My old loved Pastor related this.
A man was on the subway also in the same car was a man with 3 kids. The man with the kids was just sitting and staring off not paying attention. The kids were being awful to him and each other and finally turned to the single man in the car with there awful words and actions.
The man and assumed father just sat not caring the single man assumed. The single man said "hey can't you control your children?"
The other man turned slowly at the man "I'm sorry, you see there mother just died and I don't know what to do"
Fable or true story it makes no difference we see such a small amount of someones entire life. Sometimes a clear wrong is being done and we have more knowledge to tell us our perception is true but not always. I do expect better behavior from my self professed Christian brother and sisters as well as myself but I stumble and so do they.
Accept the imperfection and accept the grace you have been given while extending it to others. Remember it is not hard to love the ones easy to love......
You are not alone in this struggle and as I have learned to let it go and do this. If I want someone else to change, lets say Zeke although he is perfect :P I ask God to make me a better wife.
I may not have any answers for you except that being a believer who is wanting God's heart you must be where you are suppose to be so make sure those eyes are open wide :)
You are loved and nothing not even a lack of balance can change that.
Mrs Zeke, you are wonderful. The story of the man on the subway touched me....true or not. As well, your statement 'it is not hard to love the ones easy to love' is all too true.
You say I am loved? I feel loved.
God Bless
Yes loved in such a mushy, silly, uncool, yet perfectly perfect kind of way :)
So be loved and deal with it. If I Have to so do you :)
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