Back to the beginning...
Do you remember when being a Christian was exciting?
When it was just overwhelming at times, the new feeling of it all.
If you aren't a Christian and you're reading this, perhaps I can explain....perhaps not, but I'll try. As near as I can explain it, becoming a Christian is like finally realising what has been missing in your life this whole time, that that hole in your life (the God-shaped hole as it has often been called) is finally full & taken care of. The world seems fresh to you, you see everything and everyone differently. Your perspective on what you do, read, watch, think and say changes. You feel....alive, as if you're taking the very first precious breath of air that you've ever taken. That it's the sunrise of the first day of your life, and that the world is stretched out before you, and everything is possible.
Now, during that early stage of my "new life", I became quite zealous in my belief. It meant so much to me, it felt real. It still does, but it was a different kind of real. I felt connected to my saviour & Lord. It was during this time that I was quite unaware of how I was ostracizing others. My fervour and passion for living the Christian life left me in a place where I shunned the world....and everyone in it, including the ones I loved.
But I digress, I'm heading down a different road that I don't want to go down. It was a great time, but the passion, though true and heart-felt, was perhaps misplaced. I was called to love the Lord my God, which I did, but also to love my neighbour as myself. That part I perhaps didn't make good on.
Part of why I'm writing this, is I'm wondering if there's a way to balance the two. Can I get back to that passion for God, now that I've become somewhat cynical about typical Christian behaviour. How we treat others speaks volumes about how our faith is. So if we show our love greatly to others, that should reflect how much we love our God right? But can I have those Abba Father moments when I used to sing praises and felt such closeness? When I didn't care about what others felt? How can I enjoy that closeness now? Where can I meet God now that I feel unfed in the church? It's hard, really hard. It wasn't always hard. The newfound love of being a new Christian is what I want, but I want the wisdom I now have to practice it. Am I too far gone to go back? It's like comparing childhood to adulthood. The wonder and trust in a child's eyes, with the wisdom and knowledge and practicallity of age.
Can I get there?
I hope so.
posted by Matt From Canada at 11:33 PM
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